“Three Hitmen and a Baby” is author Rob Hart’s third entry in his extremely popular, clever, and unique “Assassins Anonymous” series. And if it sounds like a novel you may want to read, don’t worry if you haven’t read the first two. This one is an effective stand-alone wherein the author explains in detail all the foundations of the organization of ex-criminals, killers all, who comprise the group AA: Assassins Anonymous.
The association’s members have all decided to defeat their addiction to killing by establishing rules for themselves that are based on the Alcoholics Anonymous twelve-step program. They vow never to kill again even if they’re in life-threatening situations; to make amends to the loved ones of those they’ve killed; to turn themselves over to a higher power, whatever form that power may take; to admit their weaknesses and character flaws; and to carry their message to others like them. Those are just five of the twelve steps. They also will meet once a week to to talk with their fellow members and formulate plans and ideas to solve their problems.
Those problems and their solutions form the basis of the plot. Any addiction, of course, is terribly difficult for any individual to beat. Alcohol, drugs, and gambling beckon addicts with devilish intensity. But an addiction to killing has its own set of frustrating and, obviously, deadly consequences. The group’s members face mortal threats from old enemies and even some ex-allies, often killers themselves, who would just love to defeat and destroy the association’s infamous ex-killers. And given their vows, the members deny themselves the usual weapons to fight back. Their goal, after all, is to lose the will to kill. If they do carry weapons of destruction, they must not use them to kill anyone, even their most hated enemies. Then there are the cases in which these AA people made promises to employers and bosses that they would assassinate particular victims-to-be whom their bosses wanted to eliminate. Now those promises must be broken, and that fact will make those powerful people very angry. Furthermore, that “amends” promise seems to be just begging for victims’ friends and family to kill them. Those poor survivors would be pretty darn angry, too.
The kinds of situations above that face all the AA members are precisely the ones with which this novel’s two protagonists must deal. Mark and Astrid, along with Booker, another member, are charged with the duty of baby-sitting still another member’s adorable little daughter, Lucia. The three of them are not exactly extraordinary examples of experienced expert baby-sitters. And as we suspect, those four people (including little Lucia) run into deadly problems while the adults try to take care of the little one. Eventually, they are forced to run from Russian gangsters, NYPD cops, and assorted other antagonists and ultra-dangerous characters.
Many of the villains or semi-villains are all too familiar with Mark’s and Astrid’s respective reputations. Mark was known in the “industry” as the Pale Horse, the biblical fourth horseman of the apocalypse, who rides forever forward, bringing death and destruction wherever he ventures. Astrid was similarly labelled Azrael, the angel of death in post-biblical mythology. They have been, then, a couple of sweet destroyers of the first caliber.
But this time, the Pale Horseman is himself in profound trouble, having made a deal with a cruel ex-Russian intelligence officer who is now an information broker for all the criminals in New York. She’s mean, powerful, and demanding. Unfortunately, Mark owes her a big favor, and she demands recompense now. Her title is “the Zmeya,” a mythical Russian many-headed dragon. That title is an all-too-perfect fit for her. As repayment for her favor, she unkindly offers Mark a choice of any one of three murders he must perform for her: one is to assassinate the President of the United States. He takes a pass. The second choice is to kill Astrid. Impossible. Third is to kill his beloved ex-girlfriend and their six-year-old son. He cannot possibly even consider any of the choices. He offers himself as a sacrifice. The Zmeya, predictably, rejects the offer.
The rest of this very exciting novel consists of the Assassins Anonymous’ heroic efforts to help Mark, all the while trying to protect the adorable Lucia. Can they find a way to escape the clutches of the Zmeya and her gang of killers? Can they devise a plan to destroy or neutralize her? Can they concoct any method to fight all those criminals without breaking their own vows to abandon their killing addiction for the rest of their lives? As they and we consider their missions and their options, the novel is filled with brilliantly conceived action, violence, villainy, escapes, surprises, blood and gore, and an overlay of cleverness and comedy, the lack of killings by these crazy heroes notwithstanding.
And despite all the action and the multi-layered climax, Hart finds a way to tug at our heartstrings as well. He is a master of the action novel genre. And all three of the “Assassins Anonymous” adventure stories comprise a “don’t miss” set. So I suggest you just do yourself an action-packed favor and read all of them!
Review by JACK KRAMER
Please note: This review is based on the final, hardcover book provided by Putnam, the publisher, for review purposes.