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"What's Wrong With You?" and other things parents
should never say
by
Pamela Kramer
Redbook, October 2005
Before becoming a mom, I pictured myself always
saying just the right things to my kids. But after
my two children arrived, hurtful phrases like "Don't
you ever listen?" would fly out of my mouth when
they pushed my buttons. Sometimes it's hard not to
just react. Tempering that impulse, however, is key
for your sanity--and for your kids' self-esteem.
"Our words make the difference between kids who are
confident and those who feel they're not good
enough," says family physician and internist Elisa
Medhus, M.D., author of Hearing Is Believing.
Here's how to turn common negative reactions into
constructive resolutions.
The Put-down
Your 6-year-old has been staring at his math
problems, doing nothing but doodling. Exasperated,
you ask, "Can't you do anything without me having to
watch you?"
What your child hears: To your child, those words
mean he's inadequate. "Young children simply
believe what you say about them," says Phyllis
Magrab, Ph.D., director of the Georgetown University
Center for Child and Human Development. Kids acquire
the reasoning skills to put criticism in perspective
starting at age 6 or 7, but even then, says Magrab,
it takes a huge toll.
What to do instead: Take a few deep breaths and then
calmly tell him why you are upset.
"Communicate your anger in a way that doesn't wound
your child's spirit," says communication expert
Chick Moorman, author of Parent Talk. Focus
on his behavior rather than his character when you
tell him what needs to be done. Say, "You haven't
started your math. You need to finish it before
eight o'clock."
If necessary, attach a consequence. When Christine
D'Amico's 6-year-old son, Max, stalls on his
homework after dinner, she simply says, "If you
don't get your work done in 30 minutes, you'll miss
your favorite show." That gets him going, says the
40-year-old San Diego mom.
The Empty Threat
You tell your 5-year-old it's time to leave the
playground, but he just ignores you. "Fine," you
say, "then I'm leaving without you."
What your child hears: Threats can erode your
child's developing sense of trust, making him
anxious, angry, and fearful. In addition, saying
things you don't really intend to follow through on
will encourage him to push the limits and dismiss
your words, because he'll learn that you don't mean
what you say.
What to do instead: Spell out the rules ahead of
time so your child knows what's expected of him.
Before outings, Darcie Shinberger, 38, of Macomb,
IL, has "the talk" with her 8-year-old daughter,
Connor. She'll say, "When I say it's time to leave,
it's time to leave. No whining, ignoring me, or
asking for 10 more minutes."
If your child still misbehaves, first acknowledge
his feelings so that he feels understood. Then give
him a choice of consequences: "If you don't get in
the car now, we won't be able to stop for a
smoothie. It's up to you."
The "I Told You So"
Your 7-year-old refused to take a jacket to the
parade, then got cold and wet in the rain. You say,
smugly, "Well, what did you expect?" What your
child hears: It's hard to stay composed when your
child doesn't heed your advice. But comments such as
"I told you so" or "That'll teach you" say, "Silly
you! You can't possibly make smart choices. You need
me to make decisions for you," says Medhus.
Eventually, your child will doubt herself or think
you're coldhearted.
What to do instead: Let the natural consequences do
the teaching, as long as your child's health or
safety isn't at risk. She has to sit under a shelter
and miss some of the fun? So be it. Teach her to
think through her actions by posing open-ended
questions in a supportive tone, such as, "What could
you do to prevent this from happening again?"
The Unfair Label
You're shopping for groceries and your 3-year-old
keeps begging for a sugary treat. Stressed and
embarrassed, you hiss, "Nobody likes a whiner!"
What your child hears: When you use labels and broad
generalizations, "you're telling your child that
this is who he is and how he is always going to be,"
says Magrab.
What to do instead: Label your child's behavior, not
your child. And show him a better way to act. Say,
"That's whining. Whining doesn't work with me. You
need to speak in a normal tone of voice." Then give
your child a demo of how to politely ask for what he
wants or explain how he's feeling. That doesn't mean
you have to give in--just make it clear that you'll
give his request more consideration if he behaves.
The Shame Game
You told your 4-year-old to play nicely, but she
wallops another kid. Shaking your head, you say,
"I'm so disappointed in you."
What your child hears: Phrases like these tell your
child that you're unhappy with the way she's turning
out, and "shamed kids grow up not knowing how to
follow their own internal compasses," says Medhus.
"They end up relying on others to steer their
behavior."
What to do instead: Put your child in the other
person's shoes, then offer other ways to behave.
Ask, "How would you feel if Thomas whacked you?
You'd be sad." Follow with, "What could you say to
Thomas when you want to play with the truck?" Also,
explain that being unkind could turn
away friends.
The Manipulative Comparison
Your 7-year-old is neat and tidy, but your
4-year-old is a mess machine. Picking up her toys
for the umpteenth time, you say, "Dean cleans up his
stuff--why can't you?"
What your child hears: Holding tip one child as a
role model often backfires. "You're really telling
your child that she is not as good as another, which
will not only make her feel bad about herself, but
can also drive a wedge between siblings," says
Magrab.
What to do instead: Involve your child in addressing
the problem. That's what 46-year-old Lee Mahla does.
Instead of always comparing her messy daughter,
Madeline, 9, to her neat son, Trey, 5, Lee helps her
organize. When Madeline felt overwhelmed with
cleaning her room, the two broke
down the steps together, and Lee told Madeline, "You
can do it!" "I know she listened to me, because I
heard her repeat to herself, 'I can do this, I can
do this,'" says the Sacramento, CA, mom. By focusing
on the issue itself, you can help your child change
her behavior without resorting to criticism. And
that's something both kids and moms can feel good
about.
You Can Say That Again!
Your child my not love hearing them, but these words
won't do any harm.
"In a minute." Letting your child wait a little
teaches patience and gives him time to work on
solving problems on his own.
"That's mine." It's good to model sharing, but
making certain items off-limits--such as your coffee
mug--teaches your child to respect others' things.
"I'm sorry." Apologizing because you said something
hurtful or even just forgot to put your child's
dance tights in the dryer teaches her that everyone
makes mistakes and that it's important to make
amends when you flub up.
"No." (Period.) You don't always have to give your c"What's
Wrong With You?"hild a thorough explanation when
you deny her request for an extra snack or one more
DVD. A simple no teaches she can't always argue her
case.
"I need help." You want your child to know that Mom
is strong and capable, but asking him to carry one
of the shopping bags sends the message that you
think he's strong and capable, too.
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