|
6 Little Behavior Problems You Shouldn't Ignore
by
Pamela Kramer
Parents, March 2005
1. Interrupting When You're Talking
Why you shouldn't ignore it: Your child may be
incredibly excited to tell you something or ask a
question, but allowing her to butt in to your
conversations doesn't teach her how to be
considerate of others or occupy herself when you're
busy. "As a result, she'll think that she's entitled
to other people's attention and won't be able to
tolerate frustration," says psychologist Jerry
Wyckoff, Ph.D., co-author of Getting Your Child From
No to Yes.
How to stop it: The next time you're about to make a
call or visit with a friend, tell your child that
she needs to be quiet and not interrupt you. Then
settle her into an activity or let her play with a
special toy that you keep tucked away. If she tugs
on your arm while you're talking, point to a chair
or stair and tell her quietly
to sit there until you're finished. Afterward, let
her know that she won't get what she's asking for
when she interrupts you.
2. Playing Too Rough
Why you shouldn't ignore it: You know that you have
to step in when your child punches a playmate, but
you shouldn't disregard more subtle aggressive acts,
like shoving his
brother or pinching a friend. "If you don't
intervene, rough behavior can become an entrenched
habit by age 8. Plus, it sends a message that
hurting people is acceptable," says Parents adviser
Michele Borba, Ed.D., author of Don't Give Me That
Attitude!: 24 Rude, Selfish, Insensitive Things Kids
Do and How to Stop Them.
How to stop it: Confront aggressive behavior on the
spot. Pull your child aside and tell him, "That hurt Janey. How would it feel if she did that to you?" Let him know that any action that hurts another
person is not allowed. Before his next playdate,
remind him that he shouldn't play rough, and help
him practice what he can say if he gets angry or
wants a turn. If he does it again, end the playdate.
3. Pretending Not to Hear You
Why you shouldn't ignore it: Telling your child two,
three, even four times to do something she doesn't
want to do, such as get into the car or pick up her
toys, sends the message that it's okay to disregard
you and that she--not you--is running the show. "Reminding your child again and again just trains
her to wait for the next reminder rather than to pay
attention to you the first time you tell her something," says psychologist Kevin Leman, Ph.D., author
of First-Time Mom: Getting Off on the Right
Foot-From Birth to First Grade. "Tuning you out is a
power play, and if you allow the behavior to
continue, your child is likely to become defiant and
controlling."
How to stop it: Instead of talking to your child
from across the room, walk over to her and tell her
what she needs to do. Have her look at you when
you're speaking and respond by saying, "Okay,
Mommy." Touching her shoulder, saying her name, and
turning off the TV can also help get her attention. If she doesn't get moving, impose a consequence.
When 6-year-old Jack Lepkowski, of Ossining, New
York, started practicing "selective hearing," his
parents decided to take action. They told him that
if they had to ask him to do something more than
once, such as come to dinner or take a bath, he
would get to watch only one video that day (his
usual allotment is two), or he'd miss a playdate
that week. If they had to remind him twice, he would
lose two videos or two playdates. "I try not to give
in because otherwise his selective hearing will
continue," says his mother, Lydia. "This tactic
seems to be working!"
4. Helping Himself to a Treat
Why you shouldn't ignore it: It's certainly
convenient when your child can get his own snack or
pop in a DVD, but letting him have control of
activities that you should regulate doesn't teach
him that he has to follow rules. "It may be cute
when your 2-year-old walks along the counter to get
the cookies out of the cabinet, but just wait until
he's 8 and goes to visit a friend who lives three
blocks away without asking," Dr. Wyckoff says.
How to stop it: Establish a small number of house
rules, and talk about them with your child often
("You have to ask whether you can have sweets
because that's the rule"). If your child turns on
the TV without permission, for instance, tell him to
turn it off and say, "You need to ask me before you
turn on the television." Stating the rule out loud
will help him internalize it.
When 3-year-old Sloan Ibanez took some markers
without asking and colored one of her arms
completely yellow, her mom, Tanzy, told her that she
couldn't help with painting a garage-sale sign later
that afternoon. "She cried, but I knew I had to nip
this in the bud or else I'd pay the price later
because she'd do it again and again," says Ibanez,
of Lewiston, Texas.
5. Having a Little Attitude
Why you shouldn't ignore it: You may not think
your child is going to roll her eyes or use a snippy
tone until she's a preteen, but sassy behavior often
starts when preschoolers mimic older kids to test
their parents' reaction. "Some parents ignore it
because they think it's a passing phase, but if you
don't confront it, you may find yourself with a
disrespectful third-grader who has a hard time
making and keeping friends and getting along with
teachers and other adults," Dr. Borba says.
How to stop it: Make your child aware of her
behavior. Tell her, for example, "When you roll your
eyes like that, it seems as if you don't like what
I'm saying." The idea isn't to make your child feel
bad but to show her how she looks or sounds. If the
behavior continues, you can refuse to interact and
walk away. Say, "My ears don't hear you when you
speak to me that way. When you're ready to talk
nicely, I'll listen."
6. Exaggerating the Truth
Why you shouldn't ignore it: It may not seem like a
big deal if your child says he made his bed when he
barely pulled up the covers, or if he tells a friend
that he's been to Walt Disney World when he's never
even been on a plane, but it's important to confront
any type of dishonesty head-on. "Lying can become
automatic if your child learns that it's an easy way
to make himself look better, to avoid doing
something that he doesn't want to do, or to prevent
getting into trouble for something he's already
done," Dr. Wyckoff says.
How to stop it: When your child fibs, sit down with
him and set the record straight. Say, "It would be
fun to go to Disney World, and maybe we can go some
day, but you shouldn't tell Ben that you've been
there when you really haven't." Let him know that
if he doesn't always tell the truth, people won't
believe what he says. Look at his motivation for
lying, and make sure he doesn't achieve his goal.
For example, if he said that he brushed his teeth
when he didn't, have him go back and brush them.
When 5-year-old Sophia Hohlbaum started stretching
the truth, her mom, Christine, told her the story of
"The Boy Who Cried Wolf," in which a boy who'd been
lying cries for help for real and people ignore
him. "Storytelling helps kids view the problem from
the outside in," says Hohlbaum, author of Diary of a
Mother: Parenting Stories and Other Stuff. "Now
Sophia's very straightforward with me--and she's
very self-righteous if I don't believe her."
|